So Many Questions

I got an email today reminding me that my domain name was going to expire in two months. For a minute, I thought, 'Do I really want to renew it? Am I really using my website for anything?' I'm not entirely sure, but I'm not willing to give up on it just yet. And I certainly don't want anyone taking advantage of my fame and glory to poach my name and start masquerading as me on the internet. Because...that would happen.

The domain name is just one of many things I don't know what to do about. I have no idea how to proceed in any area of my life at the moment, so I'm spending a lot of time on YouTube and Netflix when I'm not trying to keep myself occupied at work. I am well aware that this level of escapism is not healthy, but sometimes the number of options for things to do is so overwhelming to me, I'd just as soon choose to do nothing.

I did pick up my guitar and my flute for the first time in quite a while today. I feel almost guilty for having a guitar, because in all the years I've owned it, I've never learned more than a few simple chords. I've never had the patience to teach myself much more than that. And yet those foggy dreams of mastering the barre chord and writing my own songs persist, so every so often I go back to that poor, neglected instrument to see if I can make it any further than I did last time I tried to educate myself. The tips of my fingers are thrumming with calluses just beginning to come out of hibernation. Somehow I doubt those calluses, once they've returned, will be around long.

If I wanted to make actual music, I figured, at least I always had my almost-as-neglected flute. I played it for a little while, rustily, with cramping hands, but it was a somewhat satisfying experience all the same. Today I realized with some horror that I may have a limited amount of time to play my instruments, or sing loudly to myself, or generally make any sort of ruckus at all, with impunity. My parents have finally gotten buyers on their house, and they're scheduled to close on April 27th. This means I have less than a month and a half until I have to move out, most likely to live with my dad in some currently nonexistent townhouse somewhere. Shortly after that, God willing, I'll probably get an apartment, where high A's on the flute are likely to be discouraged by sensitive neighbors, or at least given dirty looks. That being the case, I need to make as much noise as I can while it's still possible.

It's strange, but I don't have many feelings one way or the other about moving out of the house where I've spent the last sixteen years of my life. This is due in large part to the fact that I've had a burning desire to get out of this house for several years now. Despite all the good memories attached to this place, recently I've come to associate it with the overwhelming frustration of being a college graduate stuck at home like a teenager, working menial office jobs while my friends have left home, gotten married, and gotten jobs more or less relevant to their fields or interests. The fact that moving out of this house just means moving in with a parent somewhere else is not incredibly encouraging, either. I'm absolutely flummoxed about how anyone manages to get out and live an independent, adult life. Is there a secret formula I'm missing? A cheat code? A manual? It's embarrassing that I'm almost twenty-six and it all still seems like an impossible challenge.

But it's truly a blessing that the house has finally sold, after all the aggravation of countless showings, home improvements, and, you know, having to clean and stuff. It's a bit of good news for a family who, let's face it, has not been having a spectacular time of it in the past few months...or years. Oh, the stories I could tell! Two totaled cars, lost and/or demoralizing jobs, dead family members/pets/coworkers, drawn-out military drama culminating in a stint in Afghanistan, home disasters (flooded basement, crashing through the ceiling, etc.), divorce and general divorce-related issues... We have not been experiencing much in the way of happy fun times. So the sale of the house is definitely a victory.

But for me, it also raises more questions: What's next? Where do I go? What do I do? When do I grow up? How do I spend my time from day to day? Where am I going to put all those boxes of high school journals?

If I figure out the answers to any of these questions, I'll let you know. In the meantime, I'll be watching Eddie Izzard on Netflix.